#23 Numbness

What to eat today? I don't know, stomach

keeps growling and mouth keeps groaning but nothing. 

See the desk, many books are 

there but none seems interesting. What to do? I don't

know, eyes keep searching for fun, heart devoid 

of pleasure but what do to? Even my fav pornstars 

don't excite me anymore. Just here in bed, staring

a the ceiling, counting the mistakes I've made the past week,

blaming myself for things I'm not responsible for but whose

burden I have to carry because "there's no stronger

soldier but you" oh so much for a battlefield

I didn't sign up for. The morning arrives, train of thoughts

is never late. Saying stupid to myself for the lasting

pain I let myself feel, how to let go when the rails

are locked on the path of regret and blame?

Go take a bath even though it doesn't wash

away the feelings so sticky against your skin,

you wanna let go of the thick skin, be all flesh to see if

you're still red inside. Nothing remains of what used

to be human and here lies the lies you've told

yourself about being alive. Look into the mirror,

a silhouette of the past crouching over, almost the same

cold hug. "Are you happy?" You ask yourself because

nobody does. What the fuck, you grumble. Nothing seems

to go your way and you want to tell yourself 'it's fine" even

though your heart is about to burst from fury.

And after all this you go home, one that's so abandoned 

it's blue on the outside, many murders 

of memories happened here and ghosts 

of potential memories aborted before birth

linger longer than expected. Then nothing. The heart

gives up. The eyes’re too tired. Sleep. Sl

eep. Sleep. Until your back stings.