Amschely Dreams

  1. I think about my teacher when I hear " kuliah " because he really is the only reason why I am here, why I decided to apply for university. I initially did not want to (except for one particular private Sekolah Tinggi in Jakarta), especially for a seat in any public university mostly because of their close ties to the state (I don't want to explain, lol). I told my teacher about it. He said, "Learn above the system." How can I when it is quite literally everywhere and the individuals perpetrating it don't even bother to change? Well, he also said, "You are stubborn." I am. 2. I think my university friends are weird. They are the only people who call/consider me smart. Pinter. I've been called many things, but certainly never smart. I was bewildered (and scared) when I first heard that assumption. "Where the f*ck is this thing coming from?" I still wonder to this day. I am not smart. I don't think I am (and this is not a "...

  I've befriended strangers and strange friends alike so have I their deepest secrets. I've been a destination to many, a mere transit to even more but have I never been home to someone, or anyone. They wave their goodbyes like waves stroking the beige cheeks of the sea without thinking the sands are no longer the same. They wave their goodbyes like the high-sea winds change the course of a ship: hasty and forceful. They think things don't matter, but at the sea, a single step taken is a storm raging. 2021, Nov 6. 

I wish I were born male; a man, even more so when I love. I wish I were born male; a man, even more so when I see the person I love stand in front of the mirror a few steps away from me, taking selfies to their own liking, tongue licking the bottom lip and thumb clicking the button on the screen, confident and carefree, laughing and smiling so glee and I, hopeless and helpless, get shoved to the reality that to my locked heart they are the key. I wish I were born male; a man, even more so when I see the person I love run their fingers through their fluffy bleached hair, when they adjust their glasses, when I see them read in bed with their black cat nesting on their lap and how I wish the cat were me. I wish I were born male; a man, even more so when I see the person I love travel around the world of books, taking pictures of their to-be-read, even more so when they laugh because of me, when they present me a song they have personally written, performed on our balcony; even more so whe...

— after Kafka  I've made the crook of your neck the nest where I rest with no interruption and the slope where I slip and sink, deep in your skin, I cage myself