#10: Dear Lord

I used to think I could be

as happy as a Bollywood

rom-com main character.

Instead, I am just an extra,

clowning for everyone's

happiness.

  

I used to think there was a cure

for what's going on inside me,

or a stop button for the caged anger

and the unreleased sad songs.

But, no? Because releasing them

gives me more pain than pleasure.

 

I used to think it's enough

to submit myself to The One

but then a habib said

seeking professional help

is urgently needed and

"Please, don't kill yourself."

because if He wants me dead,

He'll show me the way.

Am I not good enough

to go home?

 

I wish there were

one psychologist

or a psychiatrist

working for free,

for a charity.

Or will money rain down

if I perform a ritual

of the insane?

because it's crazy

how expensive

sanity is.

 

And have you heard

the price for a bottle

of hope?

 

Everything essential is for sale,

but there are no buyers.

 

You know,

A neighbor told me

the insane are possessed

by satans and jinns,

"They must get a ruqyah."

But why would I stop

being a home for

the only creatures

He seems to listen to the most?

 

I used to think

it was possible to see

the lights in the dark.

I was wrong,

right? 

Dear,

Lord.

 

2021, June 5.