Cerita Pendek #1: Say You Won't Let Go

Say you won’t let go

***

She walked out of that scruffy house, walking down the street with tears rolling down her cheeks. Never she wanted to come back. She swore to the wind, mocked the sky, confessing to the earth that she gave up trying. She held her tears, she tried to, but the tears didn’t want to be stopped. Her cheeks turned red, her heart pumped fast, blood flew uncontrollably through her veins; mad, angry, disappointed. She ended her list of wishes, threw away her prayers to God about him and her. She walked away.

He chased her, he did, he tried to get her back that dawn when she left his house. But he never continued the journey, never walked on that path again. He found himself leaning down on the bed each night, gazing at the window blankly. The guilt showered him each morning he woke up. Much should’ve thoughts consumed his brain, leaving him to unfocus. Such a fiasco, this love, he said. He dreamt of her too often, until everything became a ritual, a ritual of missing her. Beautiful delusions of her loving him, waking him up in the morning with a kiss on his cheek, walking at the park together, eating candies like kids, her messy bun in the morning, her glorious smile when he bought her a bucket of ice cream, those scenes of them; the memories which he should bury. He tried to accept that he deserved it, her farewell. He thought he would never be forgiven, thus he didn’t say sorry.

She heard those voice messages he sent. One in the morning, one in the dawn and one in the night. She closed her eyes, hiding the tears, each time she heard him talking to his phone as if it was her, saying sweet things and sent it to her. It killed her a bit, made her wanted to come back. But she would never come back, she promised herself to find a better love. This time, the good one, not the great one.

Morning, there! How are you, honey? Last night was awful without you beside me. I miss you. Whoops, I am lacking sleep because of you. Please, come back.

She would chuckle a little, then deleted that voice message.

And I said let grief be a fallen leaf, at the dawning of the day, He sang a song, his voice was unashamedly shaking, he sounded breakable, he cleared his throat, Sorry, I am sorry.

She would feel a little sad and lost in deep gloom, then she deleted that voice message.

Good night, honey. I’ll be waiting for you here. I am a bit lonely. I love you.

She deleted it.

He kept doing it, every day of the years. Until one day, he got a reply from her. A sweet voice he had been missing for two years. He curved his lips to a bright smile, letting delight in himself. He pressed the button, then her voice came to his ears as the most beautiful melody, the song that hadn’t been played since a long time ago.

Hello, Davin. She greeted, he couldn’t bear the happiness inside him, I just.. just want you to know, thank you for everything. Thanks for your lovely voice messages and for keeping your love for me. But I don’t need those, Davin. You could just see me and said sorry that night, but you didn’t show up. Davin, we’re over and... and those are just memories. I can’t continue my life under the shadow of my past. More importantly, Davin, I am getting married next week. I am sorry but that’s it, Davin. That is a wrap of whatsoever you call it. Thank you, Davin. Please come to the wedding. Thank you.

He found himself drowned in the depth of the ocean of guilt. He sewed his own sad ending. Inwardly injured, he closed his eyes, he let the grief poured into tears. He would not come to the wedding of her and somebody who he could mention as a thief for stealing her from him—or was he a clumsy guard to keep her?

He wrote a letter to be sent by a postman for her. His final one. He ought to forget and learn to love somebody else, somebody else. 

Dear, my honey, Ruth.

You were right, I should’ve come to you and said sorry that night, instead of stop chasing you and being a sissy in my room. I am sorry.

This is not about a man who walked away from a woman’s life, isn’t this? This is about a woman who walked away from a man’s life. Indeed, I believe that a woman can live her life without a man, but a man, he can not do that. Just how amazing what a woman can do to a man’s life or to the man himself. She came as the most colorful rainbow, the most expensive and shining diamond, as the light of guidance. When she left, everything mesmerizing was also faded. I lost you and that was a torment for my heart and soul. Thank you that you wanted to love me a  few years back.

Happy wedding, Ruth. Sorry, but  I won’t be there.

Your used-to man,

Davin.